The must get gas station snacks for road trips

                                      

Be it a long trip to a shore house with your college buddies or day trip with your significant other to a hike she found online because her friend posted an Instagram from the same spot last week that received 1,200 likes and now she has to get one too, car ride snacks are a must. Personally I do not prepare for shit, so when I find my first gas station about 45 minutes in, my eyes light up for the world of snacks I am about to unleash on. But honestly every gas station is the same and below are  must grabs for a enjoyable car ride snack.

1. Combos
The GOAT of gas station snacks. Seriously these things are amazing for snacking, easy to eat and tons of white girl flavors like buffalo/ blue cheese and cheese pizza. Crazy things about combo snacks are the exclusiveness of the car ride nostalgia. When is the last time you saw someone munching on Combos outside of a car? Never, these snacks are only sold at gas stations making it the number 1 go to snack.

2. Beef Jerky.
Play the goddam classics. Beef Jerky being on the list is almost as obvious as a game of thrones incest scene. Peppered Jacks Link or be it roadside jerky in a country town, beef jerky will fill your car up with a rancid smell but god does it feel good to chew on with your windows down and Tom Petty blasting on the radio.

3. Diet Coke
Soda or what we call the Mike Francesa, the diet coke. Usually on road trips your Nalgene water bottle is filled or you have a case of La Croixs stuffed in the trunk, but that crisp sound of cracking a diet coke and then letting out a deep caffeinated burp is what road trips are all about.

4. Scratch Offs
Gambling, it is what's for dinner. Loading up on crossword 3 dollar scratchies to crush while your girlfriend makes you stop at the 3rd rest stop so she can pee will help you ease your tension as you sit back scratching away while watching a family of Asians take pictures in front of a sign saying who the stupid rest stop is named after.

Honorable mentions; obviously tobacco chewing or cancer sticks, peanut m&ms, 7/11 taquitos if you have a bathroom nearby.

Now watch this video on why working at a gas station seems amazing.
Arguement

Why you need a go to bar

Living in a city comes with its perks; not finding any parking, homeless people begging for money and always seeing others that are much more attractive than your ugly mug. Besides those wonderful entices, having many options each night as your group chat lights up on Friday afternoon with plans of degenerate drinking with your happy hour crew as you slide into the weekend. Plans of meeting at a place that has a solid appetizer menu to get a base or meeting at stupid trendy rum spot that serves their drinks in Caribbean island glasses because Rachel needs her Instagram story to be lit after her breakup. One thing you and your close friends know, you will be ending up at your spot at least once this weekend.

Establishing a go to bar is a process similar to Nick Saban scouting a 7th grade defensive lineman, many factors weigh in. The strongest factor is clearly your bartender and the relationship you maintain. Whether it be a hot college girl who flirts with you for petty because she knows your sucker ass tips heavy, or maybe its the part time bartender who teaches during the day that talks spots betting with you and your buddies sliding free pbrs for giving him some action. Having your bartender serve your drink without even asking will impress any 6 you found off Hinge.

Location, Location, Location. Your go to bar needs to be within walking distance of your place. No Lyfts or Bird Scooters, by feet only. Having your favorite watering hole with in walking distance leads to the comfort feeling of knowing you have somewhere to go when its Friday but not pay day and you cant join your friends at the club that night.

Lastly is the type of bar and the environment it provides. No go to bar can be a themed or club atmosphere. No chain bullshit either ( Chili's margaritas do bang though). Dive bars can be fun however you may lose touch with society as you talk to a guy named Mickey who only slams rolling rocks and fernet as opposed to maybe wheeling a cute girl who had to may chardonnays. You want a place that is crowded on weekends as you dap up the bouncer never having to wait in line, but also when you show up on Wednesdays you can almost always find a seat at the bar.

Quesadillas Fuck

Recently while working from home in between conference calls, flipping back and forth between the golf channel and Stephen A Smith screaming about god knows what, I decided to actually make lunch and not walk to my corner bodega for yet again a pastrami on rye. On my counter was a bag of wraps clearly not closed correctly just hardening away wastefully, so my brain clicked to quesadillas. Transforming into muthafuckin Action Bronson I began cutting some leftover pork tenderloin, threw in some pub cheese, jalapenos and onions, made a ranch buffalo sauce and bam I was 2000 calories full.

Now I don't want to jump in on how good of a cook I am, but rather some appreciation for the quesadilla. Originating in Mexico, Mexican mothers would create these delicious snacks by simply throwing cheese inside of a tortilla then grilling to crisp. It was not until TGI Fridays and Chili's Bar and Grill put the first cheese quesadilla on the kids menu that the Quesadilla rose to its fame. You see parents would order these crispy triangles for their brat children, and then steal bites discovering what a simple yet tasty snack the chicharitos were hiding from us.

Soon after quesadillas spread to the college kids whose broke asses would make these cheese saucers after consuming a few four lokos adding to the versatility of quesadillas as a fourth meal snack. Fast forward to today where every menu consists of a variation of a quesadilla including breakfast lunch and dinner, dillas continue to please every broke cube monkey as they splash a crispy triangle into a vat of salsa while simultaneously swiping right on every chick on bumble on a Tuesday night.

Now enjoy some pictures of quesadillas I found on google made

Best place to smoke Cigarettes

Whether your a morning cig, the drunk smoker, or the occasional buy a pack because you are stressed about paying your bookie, smoking cigarettes are a necessity us millennials need to keep alive. When participating in acquiring cancer with your favorite dart, its important to do it in a lovely surrounding aesthetic.

The number one Cigarette spot to suck them down is easily the beach. Sitting in your beach chair with hoodie on consuming a nice beer or glass of wine lighting a Lindsay Lohan as the sun begins to set is the ultimate vibe. While the beach is the ultimate spot, the time is a major factor. Lighting a cigarette midday on a packed beach with kids and hot moms around is a sure fire way to label your self as white trash. But being the first one on the beach or catching that golden hour day is the perfect summer catch.

The next spot is another white person favorite, the golf course. The golf course dart is the ultimate pick me up. You just 3 putted after reaching the green in 2, light it up. You nutted a drive 270, light it the fuck up. Lighting up a smoke then setting it down in the fringe as you 60 wedge onto the green is why you play the game.

Lastly a great spot to light up the devils stick is the backyard of the house you grew up in. For some reason lighting one up here brings back memories and also extreme anxiety as you slowly realize your life is over.

Honorable Mentions: Casino floor, Post Sex minimum 3 rounds, Car Rides alone.  

When should you tell someone they suck at a sport

I fluctuate between a 6 and 8 on looks daily, above average athlete with a great sensor of humor, and master chef on a grill. But even I know when I simply suck at something. Whether its celebrating another meaningless coed kickball homerun or trying to water ski at 30 years old, we all need to realize there are some things we just cant do as well as others and our friends should tell us. 

For me it includes a friend who we will name Jeff in our weekly golf foursome. We usually get a full 18 holes as we all work sales jobs as the guys who never hit their numbers. Since it is Friday golf the scores are more relaxed but who doesn't like to win. We have been playing together for the past year and I have never seen Jeff break a 100. The rest of us are low 80 to mid 80s scores so you see why we rotate cart partners.

Is there a reasonable way to tell Jeff he sucks at golf. Like buddy you keep telling yourself to keep your head down will magically fix your 7 chips from 120 out. Its a moral dilemma as we all like the guy and he always has a new pack of 27's shorts but enough is enough.

So is it on Jeff to realize he is holding me back from shooting a 74 or do I have to Gretchen Weiner this fool.

I am now a smoothie guy and you all should be too.

The work week  morning routine of checking twitter, showering and making a shitty pot of coffee as you prepare for another day on the cube farm is pretty much autopilot for your body. Hell, I don't even make a new pot of coffee everyday I just microwave whatever is left from Monday's brew. The most important lesson I learned from college is the importance of putting something in your stomach before leaving your house for the day. But recently this all changed, say no more to watery eggs queuing you up for the 9:30 am office dumper, Fam we have moved on to smoothies.

Making a smoothie is a simple pleasure distracting you from the fact that it is only Tuesday in your miserable life and that later tonight you will be sleeping alone watching youtube highlights of the 07 Red Sox. After throwing in your ingredients and pouring your smoothie its on to the most important part and reason why we are drinking smoothie's, shoving it down everyone's throat.

Strut your ass down the cubicle farm towards the break room with your amazon prime lunchbox holding your famous hand ripped romaine lettuce and leftover chicken cutlet but please make sure your protein shaker filled with your smoothie is out and about. Drinking a smoothie is putting out that vibe towards others that Yes I have my life together and you don't.

Dont judge my Gambling Habit

All my life I knew I was destined to be a degenerate gambler. My first memories of gambling was going with my grandfather to Off Track Betting windows or the time he left me with security at Belmont Track to put in a bet while I was being attended to because my shoelace got stuck in the elevator. Next came Christmas family parties where for the life of me I could not understand why Ball State vs Louisville was so dam important to my cousins. But then college came and where I lacked in approaching a blacked out chick at the bar, I exceled in taking my friends money.

A lot of shit comes from being a degenerate. Its not all easy being a degenerate, that Monday awaiting the bookie text, or when you put the wrong bet in, or even its betting on the 12 year olds in the LLWS because the over always hits, its all part of the aura. HOWEVA what I don't need is judgement from peers and friends who flip flop about gambling. You know the ones who ask if you have any juice in the game because they want rooting interest but then later that night at a bar in conversation with others will bring up how much money you lost in a week.

If you don't gamble and I suggest never doing it, simply don't ask what plays I have that day because you want rooting interest. Either pull the trigger come swim with the sharks or sit there and miss out on the excruciating pain of a missed free throw at the end of the first half to cover the over.  

Reason why you will never win Bar Trivia

The midweek gathering at a bar with some friends is a pleasant, laidback nice little break in your miserable cube life. The midweek bar visit is much different than your normal weekend bar lifestyle, instead of preying  on a 5'4" girl who spent 2 hours straightening her hair with a Torrey Birch bag, you are discussing the pros and cons of having a succulent plant in your office. A nice little treat for us miserable postgrads is Bar Trivia. Now this isn't your college bar trivia where everyone is 4 pitchers of natty deep and talking over the trivia conductor. Postgrad bar trivia is a different animal reserved for only us high class assholes who can only get three questions right in jeopardy. Assembling your trivia team is a big key in the road to victory, as you strive to conquer and destroy in hopes of winning a $25 gift card to Starbucks.

Lets dive into the types of teams bar trivia brings out;

The Ringers - Typically this team is a 4-5 people being mainly guys with always one girl. At least one guy will have gorgeous mutton chops, another will be wearing Birkenstocks and their team name will be related to a comic con character involving evolution. This type of team is quiet and calculated, they never ask for a question to be repeated and they have perfected the trivia whisper when sharing answers with teammates.

Strengths - World History, Technology, Metallica
Weaknesses - Social Media, Pop Culture,

Another frequent team spotted at trivia is the married couples. Frequently just a team of 4 where both couples are less than a year into being married, and feel that bar trivia is a married thing to do. Where this team lacks in communication as separate conversations about golf and brunch plans are happening, this team will dominate in the music round and logo rounds.

Strengths - Home Cooking Shows, Travel
Weaknesses - Science, Understanding how no one wants to follow their dogs Instagram they run.

My favorite team and shockingly a team that never wins, the cougars. This team typically 3 to 4 woman will be only drinking white wine as they sip and flirt with anyone in the bar. This team will yell out answers but not have a care in winning. While this team clangs their sauvignon blanc against their 15k wedding rings, look to this team to slip out some answers you can steal.

Lastly is your pathetic team. All single people with terrible jobs who are easily persuaded to skip the gym because you want to drink, your team needs you for your knowledge of the latest rap twitter beef. Your team never wins but always finishes top 3, so like your life another disappointing Tuesday in your quest of just sailing into Friday Happy Hour.

Jordy Nelson Released and I am not pleased

And here it goes BOOM NFL free agency is getting wild, seeming like every team either losing a star player or signing one. For me, my team decided to cut a fan favorite and also your STAR QUARTERBACKS FAVORITE TEAMMATE.    

Packers cutting Jordy Nelson is a tough blow for fans, drafted in 2008, Jordy helped bring in the 2010 Super Bowl and put up four 1,000 yard seasons during his 9 years and quickly became Rodgers favorite target perfecting the back shoulder throw. Winning the 2016 Comeback Player of the year after tearing his ACL, Jordy arguably put up his best numbers that year looked to be back. Having his worst season last year and a catching percentage that has steadily dropped from 70% in 2011 to 60% this past season speaks to the trust the front office has in Jordy's future vs our other receivers Cobb and Adams.  

This past season sucked for the packers, losing Rodgers to injury, defense in shambles and still having a head coach with an  alleged intellectual disability calling plays, we knew major changes were coming. Kicking off with a whole new front office, trading for a freaking browns quarterback and earlier signing Jimmy Graham (Who I could give zero fucks about, but if scores 11 TDS I will delete this blog). 

Jordy being cut stings for many reasons but like it has been for the past 10 years it all comes back to Aaron Rodgers. Read into it as you may but Rodgers has been on twitter liking posts about loyalty and the stats Jordy displayed. While that literally means nothing, and honestly when players get released the team clearly knows more than you and I. But its simple keep Aaron Rodgers happy, and cutting Jordy does not help.

For when the Pats fan sign Jordy watch this white boy speed and enjoy your next super bowl win.   

   

Why were Chopsticks invented

"No Thanks, I had a late lunch today you guys enjoy the appetizer, just going to wait for my entrée". I sheepishly said to a few friends as we all gathered at a new trendy Japanese tapas restaurant for a friends birthday. My "late lunch" consisted of baby carrots and roasted red pepper hummus (side bar if you buy the roasted garlic hummus you are trash). So there I was faced with an embarrassing dilemma, just order some skewers to avoid using any utensils or throw the white towel and succumb to asking the waitress for a fork.

Growing up in a middle class Irish family, the far east food that we consumed was the takeout Sunday night special of orange chicken, friend rice and dumplings. It wasn't until college when I began actually talking to girls and learning of the magic that is Tuesday night half of sushi and scorpion bowls . Even then I would immediately ask for a fork and cannonball my dragon roll into soy sauce and smear wasabi all over. I didn't even hesitate nor cared, its college meaning impossible to turn a girl off.

Fast forward to my postgrad life and the cycle of work, happy hour, and shitty bumble dates, I've come to realize I am handicapping myself on date spots due to my incompetence of handling chopsticks. Imagine asking for a fork while out on a date, its almost as bad as ordering a salad for an entrée (Yes, I have done that too).

Practice makes perfect right? WRONG, I have tried for years and will joke around with friends asking them to show me. Christ I am ambidextrous, your boy should be dueling chopsticks like Darth Maul.

So do I avoid first dates at chopstick restaurants or hit up old friend Pat Morita.



        

Lost Art; Remote Skills

At a very young age we all know when we excel at something with ease. For some its math and science, others its the ability to throw a  dirty curveball in little league. Besides my talent for never overcooking grilled cheese, my real Je ne sais quoi is TV Remote Skills.

My first realization that I had a gift was when I was just 12 years old. My parents family friend Boogey Board Bob was hosting a surprise birthday for his wife. So as a 12 year old I hunkered down in the main living room with remote in hand, stacked with a paper plate of mini hot dogs. Slowly the room began to fill with drunk men hiding from their wives and kids. The pressure began to mount as the hostility filled the room as one by one someone would ask who has the remote. Like I always do when drinking heavily and trying to have sex, I rose to the task. Trot Nixon strikes out to end the inning, BOOM flipped to college football but oh shit its commercial, no time to panic, quickly entered channel 29 found deep sea bass fishing. Now was this a straight flush of choices no but no commercial ever hit the TV screen.

As with steroids, cable began adding TV guides and favorite tabs to help novices improve their performance. But still each day I have to deal with idiots holding the remote who either never have another channel to flip to or worse let the channel sit rotting like the apples I always buy at the farmers market but never eat. If you cant flip around and cant make it back for first pitch of a new inning or the kickoff after a touchdown, just don't touch my remote.

Best feeling in the world is shutting someone the fuck up. That short simple "nice call" when a buddy says flip back to a game, only to flip to still in commercial is exhilarating. So I raise one up to us Alphas who can handle tv remotes and the duty it brings.


   

Am I an asshole for emptying my Pockets

In today's everchanging and spoiled world, new gadgets just happen to land in our pockets at different times. For Me, I fucking hate anything in my pocket. My ex (yes I had sex once) would always put her hand out to take my change from a cashier because I refused to put coins in my pocket like we live in the world Zelda. Hell, even Monopoly got it right, straight paper homie. But circling back to the real focus, if its in my pocket and I go to sit down in a bar, restaurant, office setting or even the shitter. Pockets are empty.

I have been doing it my whole life but started realizing it only recentley during happy hours after work because bouncing bar to bar for deals is apparently in. Also I get it " bro get a purse you homo" or "broseph my smokeshow carries my shit" but for me its simple if i want to have something with me when i got out, pockets it is. Like every guy we all have three main things, Keys, Phone, Wallet  Already I start with 3 pockets treading water. My Iphone is the plus because I hate looking poor so one back pocket gone. Other back pocket goes to wallet, which is always a single bedroom because its most valuable need it secured. Front pocket is the free for all. For me its dip, headphones (live in a city for once you bums) and fidget spinner. I literally leave my keys at times in my mailbox because I would rather get robbed then sit down with keys in my pockets.

But the question is am I an asshole for emptying my pockets when out with friends. Now the kicker, as much as I hate doing it I cant stop. Legit its a tick, I go to sit and boom empty everything. No one has ever called me out, my dad says I am gonna lose my wallet, its honestly a great convo starter with females as they seem so invested in my wallet for some reason.

Stadium Reviews

New idea to review each professional sports stadium based from the common man seats. So not going to review the in stadium restaurant or VIP parking but more alongs the lines if the seats had cup holders for your beer.   Hoping to film them in the future but for now let my beautiful words paint the picture.

Dodger Stadium
Los Angeles, CA
Capacity: 56,000
Opened: April 10, 1962

       Every sports fan usually can generate an idea from watching a game on TV what type of stadium is amazing compared to a basic stadium. For me that basic stadium has always been Dodger stadium. Whenever I catch that 12:30am Dodger game on TV thats in the 4th inning while Rick Sutcliffe explains that weird ass NL baseball move of a double switch with the camera panning over Dodger stadium, I always wonder why LA has a terrible looking stadium. Seeing the stadium first hand last night, I once again realized I am never wrong on first impressions.

     
  First things First shoutout to fucking Seatgeek. Snagged tickets for 5 dollars and it was lodge level. Biased as I am to Fenway, for 5 dollars Carl Everett wont even head butt you. Anytime you can snag decent seats for less than 15 bucks even if against those stoner Rockies, A+ every time. Also getting to the stadium with LA traffic has to be a nightmare so what does that slick mogul Magic Johnson do, bam free bus transportation with your Dodgers ticket right to the game. Bus picks you up from Union Station, runs non stop 2 hours before game time until the 3rd inning. Then after game starts up again.

Showed up during the 2nd inning because 9 innings is fucking boring if its not your team or playoffs. Impressed right away with Dodger stadium handing out the tall boys of beer. Side note I now understand why people get stabbed at Dodger/Giants games. Dodger stadium dabbles in the 50/50 game so for suckers like myself you do get to daydream for a few innings how $14,000 bucks is enough for retirement. Concessions were very basic with a couple different varieties of hotdogs being your creme de la crepe. One noticeably takeaway from the stadium is the poor view from the concessions on the lower levels due to the overhang of the seats above. The feeling of watching the game like cyclops would through his laser shades was defiantly a weird design. Due to it being an old stadium I understand the design of levels being stacked but todays world people want to walk around catching Pokemon, so new stadiums like Citi field more adhere to the ability to still watch the game while in the concourse area.

Favorite part of going to any game for the common man is scouting lower level seating. What blew my mind was at most lower level sections no one was checking tickets. For 5 bucks I was able to watch Puig snapchat the entire game as we moved 15 rows behind home plate. Moving down to lower levels is a sport. If you move down in the 9th inning with 2 outs then get the fuck off my blog. But for those of us who snaggle on in the section during the middle of the 5th inning camouflaging in like Major Dutch Schaefer with mud smeared all over him this review is for you.    

                Overall Dodger Stadium gets a C+ at best. Fans and atmosphere felt like a playoff game as should be expected in late September. The stadium however just felt like I was in a bigger triple AAA stadium with just your basic concessions, no fan interaction and annoying CHARGE chant every inning. Its either DAYO or fuck off organist.

To wrap up every stadium blog will feature my favorite brawl in that stadium.

Packers Preview: Thank God for the Lions

I want to do Girl Things

Being a dude is by far the best thing in the world. Seriously ask any girl while she is in the fetal position crushing sour patch watermelons on her period if she would trade lives to be a guy. From getting so much enjoyment in seeing our sports teams win a championship to sending our friends a snapchat of how big a shit you just took, being a guy is the best. Now dont get me wrong I am not going all Bruce Jenner but sometimes you gotta ask why cant guys do shit girls do.

1. Getting Nails Done

Nothing makes a girl happiest like getting a new neon yellow nail polish that makes the Oregon ducks uniforms look plain. I partly want to do this because I always am going full Tyson on my nails. Between scratching my balls and shoving popcorn in my face, my hands are always dirty so why not get them cleaned by some asian woman making fun of you the entire time, because that is the atmosphere I want. You always hear girls saying how rude the asian woman was or how hard she went on her poor little delicate fingers, well too dam bad because thats how it should be. I want the asian woman to be so disgusted with my finger nails that she has to reevaluate just how hard she will berate me while I sit there with a shit eating grin staring at the koi pond.                

        

2. Ordering weird shit at Starbucks. 

 The Starbucks in my town does not have a drive thru which besides being inconvenient also means I have to actually put on pants if I want coffee. Every once in a while I get stuck behind a woman who will order something that sounds like she read it out of a chip kelly playbook. As guys you cant have the barista yell "Mike your venti oreo crumble upside down frappacino perfectly chilled at 48 degrees is ready". Now dont get me wrong when I feel like dropping 8 bucks on a coffee even though I have a Kuerig, i go for that carmel macchiato. However ordering it is not even the worst part its the walk of shame you make past everyone else. So heres to one day that maybe I can order that pink iced tea and proudly put in on my snapstory. 

3. Rom Coms
Now obviously any movie or tv show you watch with your girl does not count against you but cant a guy enjoy an episode of friends once in a while. To admit that you may have flipped over to 10 things I hate about you so you can watch it again for the fourth time shouldn't be hated on.



obligatory white chicks scene