At a very young age we all know when we excel at something with ease. For some its math and science, others its the ability to throw a dirty curveball in little league. Besides my talent for never overcooking grilled cheese, my real Je ne sais quoi is TV Remote Skills.
My first realization that I had a gift was when I was just 12 years old. My parents family friend Boogey Board Bob was hosting a surprise birthday for his wife. So as a 12 year old I hunkered down in the main living room with remote in hand, stacked with a paper plate of mini hot dogs. Slowly the room began to fill with drunk men hiding from their wives and kids. The pressure began to mount as the hostility filled the room as one by one someone would ask who has the remote. Like I always do when drinking heavily and trying to have sex, I rose to the task. Trot Nixon strikes out to end the inning, BOOM flipped to college football but oh shit its commercial, no time to panic, quickly entered channel 29 found deep sea bass fishing. Now was this a straight flush of choices no but no commercial ever hit the TV screen.
As with steroids, cable began adding TV guides and favorite tabs to help novices improve their performance. But still each day I have to deal with idiots holding the remote who either never have another channel to flip to or worse let the channel sit rotting like the apples I always buy at the farmers market but never eat. If you cant flip around and cant make it back for first pitch of a new inning or the kickoff after a touchdown, just don't touch my remote.
Best feeling in the world is shutting someone the fuck up. That short simple "nice call" when a buddy says flip back to a game, only to flip to still in commercial is exhilarating. So I raise one up to us Alphas who can handle tv remotes and the duty it brings.
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