"No Thanks, I had a late lunch today you guys enjoy the appetizer, just going to wait for my entrée". I sheepishly said to a few friends as we all gathered at a new trendy Japanese tapas restaurant for a friends birthday. My "late lunch" consisted of baby carrots and roasted red pepper hummus (side bar if you buy the roasted garlic hummus you are trash). So there I was faced with an embarrassing dilemma, just order some skewers to avoid using any utensils or throw the white towel and succumb to asking the waitress for a fork.
Growing up in a middle class Irish family, the far east food that we consumed was the takeout Sunday night special of orange chicken, friend rice and dumplings. It wasn't until college when I began actually talking to girls and learning of the magic that is Tuesday night half of sushi and scorpion bowls . Even then I would immediately ask for a fork and cannonball my dragon roll into soy sauce and smear wasabi all over. I didn't even hesitate nor cared, its college meaning impossible to turn a girl off.
Fast forward to my postgrad life and the cycle of work, happy hour, and shitty bumble dates, I've come to realize I am handicapping myself on date spots due to my incompetence of handling chopsticks. Imagine asking for a fork while out on a date, its almost as bad as ordering a salad for an entrée (Yes, I have done that too).
Practice makes perfect right? WRONG, I have tried for years and will joke around with friends asking them to show me. Christ I am ambidextrous, your boy should be dueling chopsticks like Darth Maul.
So do I avoid first dates at chopstick restaurants or hit up old friend Pat Morita.
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Lost Art; Remote Skills
At a very young age we all know when we excel at something with ease. For some its math and science, others its the ability to throw a dirty curveball in little league. Besides my talent for never overcooking grilled cheese, my real Je ne sais quoi is TV Remote Skills.
My first realization that I had a gift was when I was just 12 years old. My parents family friend Boogey Board Bob was hosting a surprise birthday for his wife. So as a 12 year old I hunkered down in the main living room with remote in hand, stacked with a paper plate of mini hot dogs. Slowly the room began to fill with drunk men hiding from their wives and kids. The pressure began to mount as the hostility filled the room as one by one someone would ask who has the remote. Like I always do when drinking heavily and trying to have sex, I rose to the task. Trot Nixon strikes out to end the inning, BOOM flipped to college football but oh shit its commercial, no time to panic, quickly entered channel 29 found deep sea bass fishing. Now was this a straight flush of choices no but no commercial ever hit the TV screen.
As with steroids, cable began adding TV guides and favorite tabs to help novices improve their performance. But still each day I have to deal with idiots holding the remote who either never have another channel to flip to or worse let the channel sit rotting like the apples I always buy at the farmers market but never eat. If you cant flip around and cant make it back for first pitch of a new inning or the kickoff after a touchdown, just don't touch my remote.
Best feeling in the world is shutting someone the fuck up. That short simple "nice call" when a buddy says flip back to a game, only to flip to still in commercial is exhilarating. So I raise one up to us Alphas who can handle tv remotes and the duty it brings.
My first realization that I had a gift was when I was just 12 years old. My parents family friend Boogey Board Bob was hosting a surprise birthday for his wife. So as a 12 year old I hunkered down in the main living room with remote in hand, stacked with a paper plate of mini hot dogs. Slowly the room began to fill with drunk men hiding from their wives and kids. The pressure began to mount as the hostility filled the room as one by one someone would ask who has the remote. Like I always do when drinking heavily and trying to have sex, I rose to the task. Trot Nixon strikes out to end the inning, BOOM flipped to college football but oh shit its commercial, no time to panic, quickly entered channel 29 found deep sea bass fishing. Now was this a straight flush of choices no but no commercial ever hit the TV screen.
As with steroids, cable began adding TV guides and favorite tabs to help novices improve their performance. But still each day I have to deal with idiots holding the remote who either never have another channel to flip to or worse let the channel sit rotting like the apples I always buy at the farmers market but never eat. If you cant flip around and cant make it back for first pitch of a new inning or the kickoff after a touchdown, just don't touch my remote.
Best feeling in the world is shutting someone the fuck up. That short simple "nice call" when a buddy says flip back to a game, only to flip to still in commercial is exhilarating. So I raise one up to us Alphas who can handle tv remotes and the duty it brings.
Monday, July 24, 2017
Am I an asshole for emptying my Pockets
In today's everchanging and spoiled world, new gadgets just happen to land in our pockets at different times. For Me, I fucking hate anything in my pocket. My ex (yes I had sex once) would always put her hand out to take my change from a cashier because I refused to put coins in my pocket like we live in the world Zelda. Hell, even Monopoly got it right, straight paper homie. But circling back to the real focus, if its in my pocket and I go to sit down in a bar, restaurant, office setting or even the shitter. Pockets are empty.
I have been doing it my whole life but started realizing it only recentley during happy hours after work because bouncing bar to bar for deals is apparently in. Also I get it " bro get a purse you homo" or "broseph my smokeshow carries my shit" but for me its simple if i want to have something with me when i got out, pockets it is. Like every guy we all have three main things, Keys, Phone, Wallet Already I start with 3 pockets treading water. My Iphone is the plus because I hate looking poor so one back pocket gone. Other back pocket goes to wallet, which is always a single bedroom because its most valuable need it secured. Front pocket is the free for all. For me its dip, headphones (live in a city for once you bums) and fidget spinner. I literally leave my keys at times in my mailbox because I would rather get robbed then sit down with keys in my pockets.
But the question is am I an asshole for emptying my pockets when out with friends. Now the kicker, as much as I hate doing it I cant stop. Legit its a tick, I go to sit and boom empty everything. No one has ever called me out, my dad says I am gonna lose my wallet, its honestly a great convo starter with females as they seem so invested in my wallet for some reason.
I have been doing it my whole life but started realizing it only recentley during happy hours after work because bouncing bar to bar for deals is apparently in. Also I get it " bro get a purse you homo" or "broseph my smokeshow carries my shit" but for me its simple if i want to have something with me when i got out, pockets it is. Like every guy we all have three main things, Keys, Phone, Wallet Already I start with 3 pockets treading water. My Iphone is the plus because I hate looking poor so one back pocket gone. Other back pocket goes to wallet, which is always a single bedroom because its most valuable need it secured. Front pocket is the free for all. For me its dip, headphones (live in a city for once you bums) and fidget spinner. I literally leave my keys at times in my mailbox because I would rather get robbed then sit down with keys in my pockets.
But the question is am I an asshole for emptying my pockets when out with friends. Now the kicker, as much as I hate doing it I cant stop. Legit its a tick, I go to sit and boom empty everything. No one has ever called me out, my dad says I am gonna lose my wallet, its honestly a great convo starter with females as they seem so invested in my wallet for some reason.
Friday, September 23, 2016
Stadium Reviews
New idea to review each professional sports stadium based from the common man seats. So not going to review the in stadium restaurant or VIP parking but more alongs the lines if the seats had cup holders for your beer. Hoping to film them in the future but for now let my beautiful words paint the picture.
Dodger Stadium
Los Angeles, CA
Capacity: 56,000
Opened: April 10, 1962
Every sports fan usually can generate an idea from watching a game on TV what type of stadium is amazing compared to a basic stadium. For me that basic stadium has always been Dodger stadium. Whenever I catch that 12:30am Dodger game on TV thats in the 4th inning while Rick Sutcliffe explains that weird ass NL baseball move of a double switch with the camera panning over Dodger stadium, I always wonder why LA has a terrible looking stadium. Seeing the stadium first hand last night, I once again realized I am never wrong on first impressions.
First things First shoutout to fucking Seatgeek. Snagged tickets for 5 dollars and it was lodge level. Biased as I am to Fenway, for 5 dollars Carl Everett wont even head butt you. Anytime you can snag decent seats for less than 15 bucks even if against those stoner Rockies, A+ every time. Also getting to the stadium with LA traffic has to be a nightmare so what does that slick mogul Magic Johnson do, bam free bus transportation with your Dodgers ticket right to the game. Bus picks you up from Union Station, runs non stop 2 hours before game time until the 3rd inning. Then after game starts up again.
Showed up during the 2nd inning because 9 innings is fucking boring if its not your team or playoffs. Impressed right away with Dodger stadium handing out the tall boys of beer. Side note I now understand why people get stabbed at Dodger/Giants games. Dodger stadium dabbles in the 50/50 game so for suckers like myself you do get to daydream for a few innings how $14,000 bucks is enough for retirement. Concessions were very basic with a couple different varieties of hotdogs being your creme de la crepe. One noticeably takeaway from the stadium is the poor view from the concessions on the lower levels due to the overhang of the seats above. The feeling of watching the game like cyclops would through his laser shades was defiantly a weird design. Due to it being an old stadium I understand the design of levels being stacked but todays world people want to walk around catching Pokemon, so new stadiums like Citi field more adhere to the ability to still watch the game while in the concourse area.
Favorite part of going to any game for the common man is scouting lower level seating. What blew my mind was at most lower level sections no one was checking tickets. For 5 bucks I was able to watch Puig snapchat the entire game as we moved 15 rows behind home plate. Moving down to lower levels is a sport. If you move down in the 9th inning with 2 outs then get the fuck off my blog. But for those of us who snaggle on in the section during the middle of the 5th inning camouflaging in like Major Dutch Schaefer with mud smeared all over him this review is for you.
Overall Dodger Stadium gets a C+ at best. Fans and atmosphere felt like a playoff game as should be expected in late September. The stadium however just felt like I was in a bigger triple AAA stadium with just your basic concessions, no fan interaction and annoying CHARGE chant every inning. Its either DAYO or fuck off organist.
To wrap up every stadium blog will feature my favorite brawl in that stadium.
Dodger Stadium
Los Angeles, CA
Capacity: 56,000
Opened: April 10, 1962
Every sports fan usually can generate an idea from watching a game on TV what type of stadium is amazing compared to a basic stadium. For me that basic stadium has always been Dodger stadium. Whenever I catch that 12:30am Dodger game on TV thats in the 4th inning while Rick Sutcliffe explains that weird ass NL baseball move of a double switch with the camera panning over Dodger stadium, I always wonder why LA has a terrible looking stadium. Seeing the stadium first hand last night, I once again realized I am never wrong on first impressions.
First things First shoutout to fucking Seatgeek. Snagged tickets for 5 dollars and it was lodge level. Biased as I am to Fenway, for 5 dollars Carl Everett wont even head butt you. Anytime you can snag decent seats for less than 15 bucks even if against those stoner Rockies, A+ every time. Also getting to the stadium with LA traffic has to be a nightmare so what does that slick mogul Magic Johnson do, bam free bus transportation with your Dodgers ticket right to the game. Bus picks you up from Union Station, runs non stop 2 hours before game time until the 3rd inning. Then after game starts up again.
Favorite part of going to any game for the common man is scouting lower level seating. What blew my mind was at most lower level sections no one was checking tickets. For 5 bucks I was able to watch Puig snapchat the entire game as we moved 15 rows behind home plate. Moving down to lower levels is a sport. If you move down in the 9th inning with 2 outs then get the fuck off my blog. But for those of us who snaggle on in the section during the middle of the 5th inning camouflaging in like Major Dutch Schaefer with mud smeared all over him this review is for you.
Overall Dodger Stadium gets a C+ at best. Fans and atmosphere felt like a playoff game as should be expected in late September. The stadium however just felt like I was in a bigger triple AAA stadium with just your basic concessions, no fan interaction and annoying CHARGE chant every inning. Its either DAYO or fuck off organist.
To wrap up every stadium blog will feature my favorite brawl in that stadium.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
I want to do Girl Things
Being a dude is by far the best thing in the world. Seriously ask any girl while she is in the fetal position crushing sour patch watermelons on her period if she would trade lives to be a guy. From getting so much enjoyment in seeing our sports teams win a championship to sending our friends a snapchat of how big a shit you just took, being a guy is the best. Now dont get me wrong I am not going all Bruce Jenner but sometimes you gotta ask why cant guys do shit girls do.
1. Getting Nails Done
Nothing makes a girl happiest like getting a new neon yellow nail polish that makes the Oregon ducks uniforms look plain. I partly want to do this because I always am going full Tyson on my nails. Between scratching my balls and shoving popcorn in my face, my hands are always dirty so why not get them cleaned by some asian woman making fun of you the entire time, because that is the atmosphere I want. You always hear girls saying how rude the asian woman was or how hard she went on her poor little delicate fingers, well too dam bad because thats how it should be. I want the asian woman to be so disgusted with my finger nails that she has to reevaluate just how hard she will berate me while I sit there with a shit eating grin staring at the koi pond.
2. Ordering weird shit at Starbucks.
The Starbucks in my town does not have a drive thru which besides being inconvenient also means I have to actually put on pants if I want coffee. Every once in a while I get stuck behind a woman who will order something that sounds like she read it out of a chip kelly playbook. As guys you cant have the barista yell "Mike your venti oreo crumble upside down frappacino perfectly chilled at 48 degrees is ready". Now dont get me wrong when I feel like dropping 8 bucks on a coffee even though I have a Kuerig, i go for that carmel macchiato. However ordering it is not even the worst part its the walk of shame you make past everyone else. So heres to one day that maybe I can order that pink iced tea and proudly put in on my snapstory.
3. Rom Coms
Now obviously any movie or tv show you watch with your girl does not count against you but cant a guy enjoy an episode of friends once in a while. To admit that you may have flipped over to 10 things I hate about you so you can watch it again for the fourth time shouldn't be hated on.
obligatory white chicks scene
3. Rom Coms
Now obviously any movie or tv show you watch with your girl does not count against you but cant a guy enjoy an episode of friends once in a while. To admit that you may have flipped over to 10 things I hate about you so you can watch it again for the fourth time shouldn't be hated on.
obligatory white chicks scene
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