Why were Chopsticks invented

"No Thanks, I had a late lunch today you guys enjoy the appetizer, just going to wait for my entrée". I sheepishly said to a few friends as we all gathered at a new trendy Japanese tapas restaurant for a friends birthday. My "late lunch" consisted of baby carrots and roasted red pepper hummus (side bar if you buy the roasted garlic hummus you are trash). So there I was faced with an embarrassing dilemma, just order some skewers to avoid using any utensils or throw the white towel and succumb to asking the waitress for a fork.

Growing up in a middle class Irish family, the far east food that we consumed was the takeout Sunday night special of orange chicken, friend rice and dumplings. It wasn't until college when I began actually talking to girls and learning of the magic that is Tuesday night half of sushi and scorpion bowls . Even then I would immediately ask for a fork and cannonball my dragon roll into soy sauce and smear wasabi all over. I didn't even hesitate nor cared, its college meaning impossible to turn a girl off.

Fast forward to my postgrad life and the cycle of work, happy hour, and shitty bumble dates, I've come to realize I am handicapping myself on date spots due to my incompetence of handling chopsticks. Imagine asking for a fork while out on a date, its almost as bad as ordering a salad for an entrée (Yes, I have done that too).

Practice makes perfect right? WRONG, I have tried for years and will joke around with friends asking them to show me. Christ I am ambidextrous, your boy should be dueling chopsticks like Darth Maul.

So do I avoid first dates at chopstick restaurants or hit up old friend Pat Morita.



        

Lost Art; Remote Skills

At a very young age we all know when we excel at something with ease. For some its math and science, others its the ability to throw a  dirty curveball in little league. Besides my talent for never overcooking grilled cheese, my real Je ne sais quoi is TV Remote Skills.

My first realization that I had a gift was when I was just 12 years old. My parents family friend Boogey Board Bob was hosting a surprise birthday for his wife. So as a 12 year old I hunkered down in the main living room with remote in hand, stacked with a paper plate of mini hot dogs. Slowly the room began to fill with drunk men hiding from their wives and kids. The pressure began to mount as the hostility filled the room as one by one someone would ask who has the remote. Like I always do when drinking heavily and trying to have sex, I rose to the task. Trot Nixon strikes out to end the inning, BOOM flipped to college football but oh shit its commercial, no time to panic, quickly entered channel 29 found deep sea bass fishing. Now was this a straight flush of choices no but no commercial ever hit the TV screen.

As with steroids, cable began adding TV guides and favorite tabs to help novices improve their performance. But still each day I have to deal with idiots holding the remote who either never have another channel to flip to or worse let the channel sit rotting like the apples I always buy at the farmers market but never eat. If you cant flip around and cant make it back for first pitch of a new inning or the kickoff after a touchdown, just don't touch my remote.

Best feeling in the world is shutting someone the fuck up. That short simple "nice call" when a buddy says flip back to a game, only to flip to still in commercial is exhilarating. So I raise one up to us Alphas who can handle tv remotes and the duty it brings.


   

Am I an asshole for emptying my Pockets

In today's everchanging and spoiled world, new gadgets just happen to land in our pockets at different times. For Me, I fucking hate anything in my pocket. My ex (yes I had sex once) would always put her hand out to take my change from a cashier because I refused to put coins in my pocket like we live in the world Zelda. Hell, even Monopoly got it right, straight paper homie. But circling back to the real focus, if its in my pocket and I go to sit down in a bar, restaurant, office setting or even the shitter. Pockets are empty.

I have been doing it my whole life but started realizing it only recentley during happy hours after work because bouncing bar to bar for deals is apparently in. Also I get it " bro get a purse you homo" or "broseph my smokeshow carries my shit" but for me its simple if i want to have something with me when i got out, pockets it is. Like every guy we all have three main things, Keys, Phone, Wallet  Already I start with 3 pockets treading water. My Iphone is the plus because I hate looking poor so one back pocket gone. Other back pocket goes to wallet, which is always a single bedroom because its most valuable need it secured. Front pocket is the free for all. For me its dip, headphones (live in a city for once you bums) and fidget spinner. I literally leave my keys at times in my mailbox because I would rather get robbed then sit down with keys in my pockets.

But the question is am I an asshole for emptying my pockets when out with friends. Now the kicker, as much as I hate doing it I cant stop. Legit its a tick, I go to sit and boom empty everything. No one has ever called me out, my dad says I am gonna lose my wallet, its honestly a great convo starter with females as they seem so invested in my wallet for some reason.